i spent so much time being mad at the fact that you constantly pushed me away and pulled me back in. i always thought you were just okay with hurting me. but i know that you werent. we went through a lot, and every time we’re around eachother some of those little memories come rushinn back, so of course we pull for it, but then realize theres a reason its just a memory and push back. i wasnt completely over it all those times i said i was, if i was i wouldnt have always been so down to spend time with you. i cant do this anymore thoughh, this push pull stuff. it takes a toll on me. its not because i dont want you to be a part of my life, because trust me nothing would make me happier, but right now its unhealth to have to the type of relationship we have.

its not that you’ve made me afraid to love agian, its just that i’m afraid to have someone make me feel that alive agian and suddenly be done. you were a big part of my life. i mean i’ve spent the last four years having ups and downs with you. for that, you’ll always be a part of me. you left a mark on me. i no longer blame you for the pain i’ve felt. it was a big part my own fault. it was like the pain started be worth it to have the time with you. i know you pushed me away so many times because you couldnt be what i wanted. i try not to think of the negative time anymore. we had so many positive times together that those times weigh out the bad. i remember you moving to washington felt like the end of the world to me, but really it was just the start of a new chapter for me. it helped to live my life without you. it helped me to be a happier person without you right there next to me. we got to a point where my life ment nothing without you in it, but now i have meaing without you. i can now look back on what we had without being sad, but instead being happy that youu were there for that ride in my life. of course some days are harder than others, but i’m sure its the same for you. we were young and had our whole lives ahead of us but still we tried to make it work. when things were good they were great, but of course the same thing happened when things were bad.

your not as bad of a person as everyone makes you out to be, or as bad as you make yourself out to be. i know a side of you not too many people have seen. i’m hoping one day we’ll both be far enough along in our lives and over the situation enough to be there for eachother agian the way we once were. you were my best friend, and for awhile the only person i could turn to. i thank you for being there for me at those times. you’ve lied to me so many times, but those lies helped me not to be so quick to trust. i will always love you, not as a boyfriend but as the amazing person i got to know over this time in my life. i know things are really fucked up for you right now, and all i can do is wish the best for youu. as of right now, i really cant bring myself to be there for you. but that doesnt mean if you really did need me i wouldnt be there. thank you for being such an important person in my life. you were my fireworks, you brought me to life in a way no else ever has. i just hope there is someone out there who will do just the same for me.

so i’ve decided imma start usinn my tumblr. i made it 3985748957 years ago, but its a good thing as far as ventinn goes(:

i hate days like this. when i realize that youu were the only person who ever treated me amazingly, but youuu were also the one who treated me the worst..

sometimes i wishh that when youu asked me if i was goinn to be okay once youu moved to washington i would have said no. i knoww that if i really would have tried, i could have probably made youu stay. then maybe thinngs wouldnt be how they are noww. i’m sorry that i hurt you with the things i said recently, but youu hurt me too. my love for youu has never died, i just fill youur space withh kisses from other boys. i always say i’m fine and over it all but truthh is, i’m just as alone as i was the day youu left. now i can never tell youu any of this. i’m fallinn apart, but i cant come to youu for support. this situation it far beyond fucked upp..

its senior year! time to do it bigg for suree(: i’m happy where i’m at friendship wise this year. i think everyone goes thru high school makinn and losinn friends, but its not really till senior that youu realize if your lucky, probably less then five of the people youur friends withh will ever matter. i have a feww really good friends this year, and i’m stickinn to that. i’m ready for the next chapter in my life. i’m ready for college, and whats to come withh the whole rest of my life thanng. i really cant wait to graduate. like i know i’m goinn to look back and miss it one day, but i’m just ready for somethinn neww.

to be honest, i’m a completely different person than the girl youu fell in love with. its partly youur fault thoughh. youu see we had it all, and youu thru it all away for one nighht. why should i trust youu? why should i really tell youu what has all gone on since we broke upp? you dont deserve that. youu made everythinn better between us, but then i question why did i let it slide so easily? on the real, i got youu back a whole lot worse! but youu’ll never know, most people dont. i feel at times i dont even know myselff anymore. its like i just dont give a fuck anymore, and do whatever it is i wanna do. that wasnt me when youu first met me. it was, but not to the extent it is noww. i wish we could go back to a year ago and reverse everythinn, but at the same time i dont. i feel horrible, because honestly youu movinn away was sooo fuckinn hard for me and i miss youu everyday, but i wouldnt be happy if youu came back. its because of youu why my mind is soo fucked up noww, and i have trust issues to a point where i dont even want to take a chance with someone else. and if i couldnt trust youu before youu left what the hell makes me think i can trust you if you did come back? i tried to be perfect, i tried to be everythinn that youu ever wanted. i know youu regret what youu did, but idk if that could ever change the way i feel about it. in a way it helped me. i’m a much stronger person noww, not because i wanted to be but because that was the only choice youu left me withh. i just feel like youu fool me. you make me think we could have it all, and beinn somethinn really good together but idk if thats really possible. i think its time to face reality. youu were my first love, and i thank youu for the time we spent together, but we live our lives in lies sugar cottedd by beinn in love. i just dont know.

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